1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
