$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
