I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
