Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
