Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
