I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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