On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
