While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
