someone owes me an orgasm
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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