Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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