i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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