I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
