I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
