ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
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I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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