I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
