We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
