theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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