there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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