y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
