i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
