Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
