Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
