today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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