we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
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If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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