Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
