My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i now understand why vodka
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
