Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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