she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
