just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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