He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
