Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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