OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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