I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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