I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Your penis caused this!
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