I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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