Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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