Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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