I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
