I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
whose parrot is this?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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