You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
