her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
