I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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