North Korea, Best Korea!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
