Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
