you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
