Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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