Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
