I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
it's like iHOP with fire
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
