Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
