There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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