I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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