I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
