I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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