i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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