I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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