last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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