I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
