I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
