I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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